Creating The Perfect Farewell
“What do you do when the person who is dying says they don’t want a funeral?”
One person’s journey from inaction and confusion to fulfilled completion and acceptance.
I talked Angela through the different ways she could make a fitting farewell for her mum.
“You did a really wonderful job of respecting Dorothy’s liking of privacy by keeping the service small and special, whilst allowing those of us who knew and loved her to be there with you.”
This is the time where I can gently offer advice and give information about their vision for this journey.
“Mum’s story was beautifully and subtly told, including the complexities. It was very well appreciated by all who came. Your delivery was just right and the whole thing ‘stage managed’ seamlessly. I realise you had to do a great deal of handholding too. I just wanted to express my appreciation for your compassionate listening and understanding, and for your service as Celebrant.”
A beautiful banana leaf coffin supplied by https://www.poetic-endings.com/ in an alternative setting at Honor Oak Crematorium.
As their funeral celebrant, my advice would be – “Well, first of all, take a deep breath.” Find out what they actually, specifically, meant. You will probably have witnessed many an occasion when someone has flippantly said, “it doesn’t make any difference to me, just shove my ashes in a skip as you walk past.” They probably won’t have been in a position to think about the effect their attitude could have on those who love them. Let’s face it, it is a staggeringly selfish approach that, when you really think about it, is another way of saying – “I don’t care about your feelings.” Maybe they don’t THINK they mean that – they are very probably coming from the, “I don’t want to be a bother to you” angle, but consider it from the perspective of the person or people who will be left behind to deal with the consequences of their thinking.
“How do I stay true to mum’s wishes whilst acknowledging my own feelings?”
The key to dealing with this sentiment is to find out who to talk to that can help you pick apart your feelings. There will possibly also be feelings of confusion, guilt, anger, sadness, and good old-fashioned grief. So, where to start?
I would like to take you on a grief journey that a client of mine embarked on recently. As an experienced funeral celebrant I guided the family from the initial consideration of an unwitnessed cremation all the way to … well, let’s wait and see.
The first phone contact - “I need help with the best way to say goodbye to mum; I don’t know what I want to do”
A text arrives on my private mobile line from a friend of a friend asking if I still work as a celebrant? Angela (as we will call her), is confused and doesn’t know how to take the first step of organising her mum’s funeral. Her mum, Dorothy, has been dead nearly two weeks, and Angela is worried about how to satisfy her last wishes of saying that she didn’t want a funeral; she just wanted her family to be with her. On the other hand they have their own needs as they start to navigate their grief. Firstly, we needed to ascertain where mum is. In many ways it is “lucky” that she died in hospital because the hospital mortuary will look after her for as long as Angela needs. Once she is comforted that they don’t need to rush any decisions, a conversation ensues about what would be the best way to say goodbye to her mum, that would acknowledge her wishes, whilst also enabling those who loved her to start processing their own grief.
“How can a celebrant help me celebrate mum’s life appropriately?”
Angela called me because she remembered that she had liked my attitude around supporting people with their grief when we met at a social occasion a couple of years ago. As a celebrant my starting point was to advise them to sit back and consider all of the options. Of course, many people don’t realise that there is any other option apart from the funeral shops on the High Street, the “private ambulances” arriving at your door in the middle of the night and the chaps with top hats who walk in front of shiny hearses.
I talked Angela through the different ways we can acknowledge a life and have a fitting farewell for their dead person, specifically highlighting memorials and celebrations of life, as a way to honour mum’s request for privacy (a family only committal, for example) and the needs of the family to bear witness to a very loved mum, friend and granny, in a separate celebration. It is a long and detailed conversation that allowed Angela to take time to really absorb what was being said. In her mind she had contemplated mum’s funeral as just her and her children sitting by the coffin in silence; privately bearing witness to mum’s life. As we talked, it became clear that this was part of the process they were going through to clarify in their own minds what would be acceptable and appropriate for their family and mum, considering her last wishes.
The first celebrant meeting with Angela and her adult children
This was my opportunity to let them talk through their expectations and worries, and to just listen. As a funeral celebrant, this is a time where I can gently offer advice and give information about what they are starting to envisage about this journey. This meeting was backed up with a detailed email confirming what we had spoken about.
“What are our options?”
Angela was very keen to consider many alternative approaches to saying farewell to their mum; ones that didn’t have a crematorium at the front and centre. Their mum was a very private person and was not one to like “a fuss” or to be the focus of anyone’s attention. Obviously that’s quite a big ask when it comes to a funeral of any size or shape!
I was able to inform them about the ways that we can say goodbye that they might have no knowledge of. There was a great deal of discussion about the pros and cons of the choices they could make, but briefly these are a few options that were discussed:
A Celebration Of Life or a Memorial Service
Many venues, that aren’t the local crematorium, are happy to host them; whether that is at an art gallery, a pub, a stately home, or your local tenant’s association hall. With a bit of consideration you could come up with somewhere that is meaningful to you and your family, or just somewhere that is less utilitarian than the crematorium. Then it is up to you to decide whether you would like mum to be there with you for the time of the event or not. Many Memorials take place weeks after the cremation.
This alternative way of thinking about your person’s farewell is growing in popularity; possibly because of the terrible time so many people had during Covid, when acknowledging death and grieving was so limited during the lockdowns. It has led many to re-visit the decisions that were forced upon them at the time, and take new opportunities to incorporate more celebration into their bearing of witness to someone close to them. It may be that one grandparent died two or three years ago, and when their spouse dies, the family or friends can combine both of these events and truly remember them and give them the farewell that they deserved.
I also talked through the more well-known and recognisable services that can be considered, including -
• Direct Cremation: This is where there is no ceremony or ritual. The person is cremated with no one in attendance.
• Unattended Committal: The Funeral Director will take the person to the crematorium and the coffin will be placed on the catafalque and left with the staff to continue with the cremation.
• Family Only Committal: Again this is a shorter slot at the crematorium with only the specified family members. It is the last farewell.
• Regular Cremation Service: The sort you will all have probably attended. Remember that within that time it is up to you how you wish the farewell to take place. Your Celebrant will inform and guide you.
Any of the above choices could be considered as part of a more alternative style farewell; for example – a Celebration of Life could take place in a favourite venue at the same time as an unattended committal happens at the crematorium. There are other options that can involve any of the above types of services – these are the choices for many families because the time factor is taken out of the equation. You are not limited to the ceremony slot at the crematorium. Your service can include as many rituals, songs, readings and involvement as you like, and it can take as much time as you need; it can also be at anytime of the day, and not restricted to office hours.
If you take one of these options there is, of course, a bit more organising to take care of – booking the venue, the food, liaising with the Funeral Director about timings. Many people can’t cope with so much to think about; but of course, for others it is exactly what they need – to be organising and dealing with details rather than sitting with their grief. We all deal with things in a different way. Just as each of us are different and unique, so can the way that we say goodbye be – one size doesn’t have to fit all!
The second family meeting.
Everyone is now a lot clearer about what they are collectively striving for. Having so much detail about choices is really important so that they can know definitely what does or doesn’t feel right for them.
Angela now feels strong enough to engage the services of a Funeral Director; I have suggested that they don’t go with the first one on the local high street or on a Google search, but have a chat with two or three to see who fits with their personal style. I tell them that once a FD is instructed they will be on a path to a specific date and time at the crematorium, unless they tell them otherwise.
In fact, after a couple of meetings with local FDs, Angela requests the services of the ever helpful, independent funeral company Poetic Endings. Louise and Isabel were able to help Angela to feel supported in her choices, and she is now ready to make decisions about dates, times, floristry and the type of casket she envisages . (https://www.poetic-endings.com/)
All of the family have taken the time to consider what they want, what each other is happy with, and what mum would have wanted.
The choice, after hours of consideration – a regular slot at the crematorium – who would have thought it?!
It has taken a great deal of discussion to reach full circle to the point from which we started. But that is the essence of creating a celebrant led bespoke ceremony with someone. It may not be where I saw us heading, but if it is where they all feel happy, then that is what we all have been striving for.
Angela still only envisages three people sitting with mum’s casket; but now they are happy to think about the detail of what they need to be said. Angela has been looking at a form that I send to clients when I arrange a first meeting with them; it is to guide their thoughts into recalling details of the life of the person who has died. Often a lot of the questions can’t be answered, but that is fine! Angela has felt able to look back on her mum’s life and their family background in a way she couldn’t at the beginning of this journey.
We have a detailed discussion about music, ritual, memories. Angela has realised that it would feel fine if a few other friends and family members attended her mum’s service. We agree on ten people attending and the knowledge that some details of the service will be shared later with family who live abroad and can’t make the journey.
Angela had been so distressed and distracted about the process that I was worried that if I sent her the service I had written for her, she would be overwhelmed. So I did something that I have never done before, and that was to go round to her house one morning and spend an hour with her and read out to her what I had written. It was a truly transformative occasion for both of us; an incredibly personal and intimate moment, where she could listen and respond to the spoken word and not the confusion of the written text. For me, it transformed how I thought about any service; without thinking about it too much, any celebrant will write a service with their “audience” in mind; it is, by default, a public process. But this was so moving, so quiet and so personal, that it transformed the words and gave them a depth of meaning that I hadn’t expected. Angela was able to quietly cry and yet appreciate the memories.
Perhaps the most important detail for Angela is something that I proposed on our first meeting, in order to respect their wish for intimacy and quietness around their mum. The casket will not be placed on the catafalque, but on trestles close to Angela and her children, so that it can be touched throughout the service. Chairs are placed around the casket in a semicircle, and moved closer as needed. The whole ceremony was intimate, private and respectful. It was quiet and well ordered; everyone had time for private thoughts and consideration. All of those attending were appreciative of Angela’s mums wishes being carried out in a way that enabled them to be a part of her farewell.
For more information on how I can help you create a beautiful, respectful and thoughtful ceremony that is exactly as you want it please visit my website - HERE
